When it Comes to Sex, the Answer isn't Always so Clear
It might be the first time you've been alone with that cute guy or girl. Or it might be the hundredth time. Suddenly, you get the feeling that things aren't going to stop at a friendly handshake, and you have no idea if you want them to or not.
Whether you're just starting to date or you've been with the same person for years, each new step in your physical relationship presents a brand-new decision to be made. With so many different messages about sex and intimacy swirling around in your head, figuring out what you really want to happen next can be the hardest thing in the world.
A Little Help From Your Friends
You've heard it a million times: "Choose what's right for you." In reality, we all seek other people's advice on all kinds of decisions--which brand of jeans to buy, which movie to see, and where to go to college. Why should something as important as sex be any different? We take in opinions from friends, parents, teachers, celebrities, and magazine articles; even the article you're reading now is an attempt to help you make a choice. So to whom do you listen?
As for magazines and Web sites, they vary in accuracy, says Monica Rodriguez, vice president for education and training at the Sexuality Education and Information Council of the United States. (For a list of reliable Web sites, see "For More Info" on page 4.) And though most of the people in your life have your best interests at heart, they're probably not all on par with "Dear Abby." That's why you need to figure out whether they're well informed and on the same wavelength as you, says Susan Yudt, editor of the sexuality Web site Teenwire.com. She suggests asking yourself: What kind of experience do they bring to the table? Where do they get their facts? Are their values compatible with yours? Do they stand to gain or lose anything by your decision?
Your friends can also subtly influence your attitudes about sex through their actions. "If your friends are doing it, then it's natural to feel that you should be doing it too," notes Ian, 17, a peer counselor with Planned Parenthood. "On the other hand, if your friends aren't doing it, the thought rarely crosses your mind in a serious way."
Even when you have strong feelings about what's right for you, it's difficult not to be swayed by the attitudes of those around you. Nadine, 18, can relate. "I used to know for sure that I wasn't going to have sex before I got married--my parents are Arab, and it's against their beliefs. But now I've been thinking about it more," she says. "One of my friends is very nonchalant about sex. It makes me feel like maybe it's not as big a deal as I thought. But I'm trying to make the decision based on what I personally want. And so far; I'm content with my choices."
Not just your close friends can give the false impression that sex is no big deal and that everybody's doing it. So can your TV pals in the O.C., Everwood, and Stars Hollow. "The media put sex out there, and it becomes a bigger part of our everyday lives--it starts to feel less taboo," says Ian. On the plus side, many TV shows depict teen characters being responsible by using contraception, such as when Everwood's Amy Abbott went to see Dr. Brown about going on the birth control pill before losing her virginity (with a condom too).
Still, you might not want to rely on TV characters for relationship advice--certainly not those like Rory Gilmore, who lost her virginity by hopping into bed with her married ex-boyfriend, Dean, on a whim. (Luckily, someone had a condom.) You don't have to delete these shows from your memory, though. Just remember: "Media depictions of sex usually have more value as entertainment than as sources of real-life information," says Yudt.
First, Choose to Make a Choice
Some people try to avoid such a complicated choice altogether by adopting the belief that sex is something that "just happens." But that can get you into trouble, says Yudt. "'It just happened' means you're not communicating with your partner and making a conscious, informed decision," she explains. If you're considering becoming sexually active, be honest with yourself about why.
"There are many different reasons people cite for having sex--to become closer to their partner, to feel love, to express love, to feel good, to satisfy curiosity, to gain popularity, to get someone to like them, to fit in, or to rebel," says Rodriguez. If your reason is more toward the end of Rodriguez's list rather than the beginning, you might want to hold off.
It might also help to realize that being sexually active doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing choice, nor a choice that you make one time and have to stick with for the rest of your life. "There are as many different possibilities as there are people and couples," says Rodriguez. "Some people feel sexual desire but don't act on it at all. Others choose to act on it alone through masturbation but not with anyone else. Some people may decide to engage in certain sexual behaviors but not others." These include things like kissing and touching and are sometimes called "outercourse."
"Outercourse poses very little risk of pregnancy and a reduced risk for many sexually transmitted infections," explains Yudt, "though it still carries emotional risks." In addition, although about half of high school students are sexually active, says Yudt, that's using the term active pretty loosely. Just because they've had intercourse once or a few times doesn't mean they always continue doing it on every occasion or in every relationship. Some, like Virginia, 17, simply changed their minds.
"I'd become serious with this wonderful guy and decided he was the one," Virginia says. "He never pressured me and always treated me with respect. Still, I had … post-virginity depression--every time, we did it, I'd feel guilty and sad. So we stopped." Virginia's boyfriend completely understood, and they're still together today--which confirmed to her that at least she chose the right partner, even if it wasn't the right time yet.
"The decisions we make aren't always perfect, but at least they can serve as learning experiences," says Yudt.
Consider Your Tolerance for Risk
Even if you decide to have sex, you might choose to do so only with partners you care deeply about or Only with the partner you believe you'll spend the rest of your life with. A big part of making those decisions is figuring out what level of risk you can handle. Of course, you don't want to live your life in fear, but you do have to be prepared for potential consequences. "The best thing about my decision," says Nadine, "is that I don't have any sexual regrets. Because you can think about kissing someone you wish you hadn't, and it's no big deal. As soon as you reach the sexual level, I think it hurts a lot more."
Some of the questions to consider are these: What are your limits? What if sex changes the way you feel about yourself? What if it changes the relationship? "The fact is, most people are not going to end up in a permanent romantic relationship with the first person they have sex with," says Yudt. "Be honest with yourself about how you'd feel if you had sex and at some point later the relationship ended." The more time you Spend with a partner who's caring, loving, trustworthy, and respectful, the more secure you can feel about taking the leap.
Then, of course, there are the health risks. "Condoms and birth control are essential, but since they aren't 100 percent effective, you have to be ready for the possibility of unplanned pregnancy or STIs [sexually transmitted infections]--even if that's only a very small possibility," says Yudt.
Putting Your Plans in Motion
Once you're clear on what you want sexually, it's time to back up those decisions with action--even if you've decided you're not ready for any "action" right now. If you've chosen to remain abstinent, write down why you're doing so--whether it's because of your religious beliefs, your parents' wishes, health risks, whatever. "That way, if you find yourself in a sexual situation, you can remind yourself why saying no is the right choice for you," says Yudt. Plan ahead by avoiding environments that could invite temptation, such as being alone in your boyfriend's or girlfriend's bedroom. If you are in a relationship, talk about your decision before things get physical. "Abstinence can only work if both partners agree to it," reminds Yudt.
If you're comfortable being physically intimate but not having intercourse, communicating with your partner is key. That means telling your boyfriend or girlfriend what you are and are not OK with. You should also research the health risks associated with different types of activity. For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) and herpes are two STIs that can be spread through genital skin-to-skin contact even without intercourse. One other problem with outercourse is that it can create some pretty tempting situations. In fact, a recent study found that being sexually aroused makes people significantly more willing to engage in unsafe sex and "morally questionable" behavior. "If this happens, it's best to stick with your original plan for the time being and to rethink things when you're not in a sexual situation," says Yudt.
Finally, if you've decided to become sexually active, your first step, again, is talking to your partner. Establish that it's OK for one or both of you to change your mind at any time, and plan for what you would do in case of an unplanned pregnancy or STI. Next visit your doctor or a clinic (go to PlannedParenthood.org for a directory) for a consultation about birth control and for STI tests if either of you has been sexually active. Your last stop: a drugstore for condoms (and/or dental dams for female oral sex). Some clinics provide free condoms.
Whatever path you choose, make it the one that feels safe and comfortable and right for you. And allow others--your friends, your girlfriend, your boyfriend--to do the same for themselves, without trying to sway them to make the same decisions you have. There's no one right choice for everyone, and you're the only one who knows what's truly best for you.
Whether you're just starting to date or you've been with the same person for years, each new step in your physical relationship presents a brand-new decision to be made. With so many different messages about sex and intimacy swirling around in your head, figuring out what you really want to happen next can be the hardest thing in the world.
A Little Help From Your Friends
You've heard it a million times: "Choose what's right for you." In reality, we all seek other people's advice on all kinds of decisions--which brand of jeans to buy, which movie to see, and where to go to college. Why should something as important as sex be any different? We take in opinions from friends, parents, teachers, celebrities, and magazine articles; even the article you're reading now is an attempt to help you make a choice. So to whom do you listen?
As for magazines and Web sites, they vary in accuracy, says Monica Rodriguez, vice president for education and training at the Sexuality Education and Information Council of the United States. (For a list of reliable Web sites, see "For More Info" on page 4.) And though most of the people in your life have your best interests at heart, they're probably not all on par with "Dear Abby." That's why you need to figure out whether they're well informed and on the same wavelength as you, says Susan Yudt, editor of the sexuality Web site Teenwire.com. She suggests asking yourself: What kind of experience do they bring to the table? Where do they get their facts? Are their values compatible with yours? Do they stand to gain or lose anything by your decision?
Your friends can also subtly influence your attitudes about sex through their actions. "If your friends are doing it, then it's natural to feel that you should be doing it too," notes Ian, 17, a peer counselor with Planned Parenthood. "On the other hand, if your friends aren't doing it, the thought rarely crosses your mind in a serious way."
Even when you have strong feelings about what's right for you, it's difficult not to be swayed by the attitudes of those around you. Nadine, 18, can relate. "I used to know for sure that I wasn't going to have sex before I got married--my parents are Arab, and it's against their beliefs. But now I've been thinking about it more," she says. "One of my friends is very nonchalant about sex. It makes me feel like maybe it's not as big a deal as I thought. But I'm trying to make the decision based on what I personally want. And so far; I'm content with my choices."
Not just your close friends can give the false impression that sex is no big deal and that everybody's doing it. So can your TV pals in the O.C., Everwood, and Stars Hollow. "The media put sex out there, and it becomes a bigger part of our everyday lives--it starts to feel less taboo," says Ian. On the plus side, many TV shows depict teen characters being responsible by using contraception, such as when Everwood's Amy Abbott went to see Dr. Brown about going on the birth control pill before losing her virginity (with a condom too).
Still, you might not want to rely on TV characters for relationship advice--certainly not those like Rory Gilmore, who lost her virginity by hopping into bed with her married ex-boyfriend, Dean, on a whim. (Luckily, someone had a condom.) You don't have to delete these shows from your memory, though. Just remember: "Media depictions of sex usually have more value as entertainment than as sources of real-life information," says Yudt.
First, Choose to Make a Choice
Some people try to avoid such a complicated choice altogether by adopting the belief that sex is something that "just happens." But that can get you into trouble, says Yudt. "'It just happened' means you're not communicating with your partner and making a conscious, informed decision," she explains. If you're considering becoming sexually active, be honest with yourself about why.
"There are many different reasons people cite for having sex--to become closer to their partner, to feel love, to express love, to feel good, to satisfy curiosity, to gain popularity, to get someone to like them, to fit in, or to rebel," says Rodriguez. If your reason is more toward the end of Rodriguez's list rather than the beginning, you might want to hold off.
It might also help to realize that being sexually active doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing choice, nor a choice that you make one time and have to stick with for the rest of your life. "There are as many different possibilities as there are people and couples," says Rodriguez. "Some people feel sexual desire but don't act on it at all. Others choose to act on it alone through masturbation but not with anyone else. Some people may decide to engage in certain sexual behaviors but not others." These include things like kissing and touching and are sometimes called "outercourse."
"Outercourse poses very little risk of pregnancy and a reduced risk for many sexually transmitted infections," explains Yudt, "though it still carries emotional risks." In addition, although about half of high school students are sexually active, says Yudt, that's using the term active pretty loosely. Just because they've had intercourse once or a few times doesn't mean they always continue doing it on every occasion or in every relationship. Some, like Virginia, 17, simply changed their minds.
"I'd become serious with this wonderful guy and decided he was the one," Virginia says. "He never pressured me and always treated me with respect. Still, I had … post-virginity depression--every time, we did it, I'd feel guilty and sad. So we stopped." Virginia's boyfriend completely understood, and they're still together today--which confirmed to her that at least she chose the right partner, even if it wasn't the right time yet.
"The decisions we make aren't always perfect, but at least they can serve as learning experiences," says Yudt.
Consider Your Tolerance for Risk
Even if you decide to have sex, you might choose to do so only with partners you care deeply about or Only with the partner you believe you'll spend the rest of your life with. A big part of making those decisions is figuring out what level of risk you can handle. Of course, you don't want to live your life in fear, but you do have to be prepared for potential consequences. "The best thing about my decision," says Nadine, "is that I don't have any sexual regrets. Because you can think about kissing someone you wish you hadn't, and it's no big deal. As soon as you reach the sexual level, I think it hurts a lot more."
Some of the questions to consider are these: What are your limits? What if sex changes the way you feel about yourself? What if it changes the relationship? "The fact is, most people are not going to end up in a permanent romantic relationship with the first person they have sex with," says Yudt. "Be honest with yourself about how you'd feel if you had sex and at some point later the relationship ended." The more time you Spend with a partner who's caring, loving, trustworthy, and respectful, the more secure you can feel about taking the leap.
Then, of course, there are the health risks. "Condoms and birth control are essential, but since they aren't 100 percent effective, you have to be ready for the possibility of unplanned pregnancy or STIs [sexually transmitted infections]--even if that's only a very small possibility," says Yudt.
Putting Your Plans in Motion
Once you're clear on what you want sexually, it's time to back up those decisions with action--even if you've decided you're not ready for any "action" right now. If you've chosen to remain abstinent, write down why you're doing so--whether it's because of your religious beliefs, your parents' wishes, health risks, whatever. "That way, if you find yourself in a sexual situation, you can remind yourself why saying no is the right choice for you," says Yudt. Plan ahead by avoiding environments that could invite temptation, such as being alone in your boyfriend's or girlfriend's bedroom. If you are in a relationship, talk about your decision before things get physical. "Abstinence can only work if both partners agree to it," reminds Yudt.
If you're comfortable being physically intimate but not having intercourse, communicating with your partner is key. That means telling your boyfriend or girlfriend what you are and are not OK with. You should also research the health risks associated with different types of activity. For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) and herpes are two STIs that can be spread through genital skin-to-skin contact even without intercourse. One other problem with outercourse is that it can create some pretty tempting situations. In fact, a recent study found that being sexually aroused makes people significantly more willing to engage in unsafe sex and "morally questionable" behavior. "If this happens, it's best to stick with your original plan for the time being and to rethink things when you're not in a sexual situation," says Yudt.
Finally, if you've decided to become sexually active, your first step, again, is talking to your partner. Establish that it's OK for one or both of you to change your mind at any time, and plan for what you would do in case of an unplanned pregnancy or STI. Next visit your doctor or a clinic (go to PlannedParenthood.org for a directory) for a consultation about birth control and for STI tests if either of you has been sexually active. Your last stop: a drugstore for condoms (and/or dental dams for female oral sex). Some clinics provide free condoms.
Whatever path you choose, make it the one that feels safe and comfortable and right for you. And allow others--your friends, your girlfriend, your boyfriend--to do the same for themselves, without trying to sway them to make the same decisions you have. There's no one right choice for everyone, and you're the only one who knows what's truly best for you.
By: Daly, Melissa, Current Health 2, Sep2006
posted by James at 6:06 PM
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